I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
