I need to stop coming to work sober
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
