During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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