So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My liver just broke up with me...
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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