Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
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after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
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cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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