well I can't set my house on fire every night
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
