If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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