My entire life is one complicated drinking game
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
sarcasm needs its own font
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
