I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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