I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
