Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
