wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
