hotel room ftw
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
