If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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