So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
