help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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