I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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