It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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