She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
