He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I did not marry a roomba.
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