his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
