No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Randomize
