Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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