MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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