My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
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He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
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The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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