Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
