I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
