Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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