the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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