Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
its liver damage thursday
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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