life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize