no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
