listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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