I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
