I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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