When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
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