My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
