you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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