I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
