my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
