I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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