I am midnight drunk by noon
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
