she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
