Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
