I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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