My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Say something about gay babies.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
