five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
