if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
