When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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