i need an iv and a liver transplant
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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