Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
