i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
