It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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