from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
