i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
