I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
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I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
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He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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