I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
