Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
