i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
