btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
