I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
