I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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