The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
