Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
