I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I forgot wine drunk hurts
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
